Don't Shut Us Out

What are you doing for Valentine’s Day? Many first responders and their families will use this day to celebrate each other with special gifts, flowers or a meal out. But what happens when you’re just not in the mood to celebrate because that last call of your shift is still weighing on your mind?  While you try your best to hide the distractions from the outside world and keeping your feelings and frustrations bottled up, let me clue you in on a little secret: your loved ones know you’re struggling.   They know you’re distracted.  They know that you’re not 100% there with them and that your mind is somewhere else.  They can only guess as to where it is, but if they’re anything like my family, they already have a good idea as to what’s got you tied up in knots— they just don’t know how to help.  

At the end of the day, as a first responder, you’ve made a commitment to serve your community proudly and with a fierce dedication that rivals no other. But when you take a step back and truly think about what that commitment means, I want you to imagine an invisible string. That string starts with you and then as you go throughout your day, every person you encounter gets connected to that string. Friends you meet for coffee.  Parents you call on the phone to check-in on.  Significant others who are there to welcome you home from work.  Kids who meet you at the door with stories of how their day at school went.  You have created a web, a network of support who stood behind you and along side you as you made that oath to serve.  

Having siblings who are both in the emergency services, one as an EMT and the other as a career firefighter, I know what it’s like to have them come home and be distant.  And as a civilian, it’s hard knowing that their day has been full throttle from the moment they went on shift to the time they punched out, and not knowing how to help them.  I know that from the moment they sit down in their vehicles to go home, the silence overwhelms them and they’re finally able to process everything that happened.  Some shifts, things weren’t so bad—normal run of the mill calls.  Others, they’ll sit and replay everything that went down from the time the tones dropped to the moment they put their rig back in service HOURS later, questioning what they could have done differently or why did that call go sideways so quick.  And right now, you’re probably thinking about that one time you’ve done the exact same thing.  

But how did you decompress? How did you tell your loved ones that while you might physically be okay, you need a minute to mentally process your day? Or did you just put on your best face and push through, thinking you were doing a good job of hiding it?  Guess what: you might think you’re doing okay hiding it, but we know.  

Remember that string I asked you to picture a little bit ago? This is where it comes in. Find one of those people, your connections— and use it, use us.  Fall back into that web of support when times get tough.  While you might not want to share every little detail with them, let them know that you’re struggling with how things went down.  We don’t want to know all the details; I can promise you that! But we do want to know what we can do to support you through it.  Can we listen as you work through the events out loud, simply being that ear you need to listen? Do you need us to help reassure you that everything is going to be okay and provide a healthy distraction?  

Creating healthy communication habits with your friends and loved ones is key to maintaining your emotional well-being throughout your emergency service career.  For my sister, the EMT, after she’s had a “day”, she’ll look at me and I know: go lace up your sneakers because she needs a walk.  And we go for a walk. We walk as long as she needs it to decompress and feel like she can handle being home again.  Whereas with my brother, the firefighter, it’s completely different. No walks: rather, he’ll come over and we’ll sit and have a coffee session around the kitchen table where I just sit and listen. I let him talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about, and often, what’s bothering him will come out and we talk through it— all because I just listen.  But everyone is different, and you know yourself the best.   

Find that one outlet that allows you to let your loved ones in and help you.  Don’t shut them out because you don’t want to “bother them” or you don’t think it’s a “big deal”.  If it’s bothering, you then it’s a big deal to those around you who care and support you.  Establish your support web, make your connections and use them.  We’re here for you.